Thankful...

This year has not been an easy one. I've been through a lot, emotionally, physically, mentally. I've experienced hardship and turmoil both in my own life as well as witnessing it in the lives of the people I love. I've been hurt, used, betrayed, lied to, and treated badly. On the flip side, I've had some amazing things happen to me this year too. I have lost and re-discovered myself in so many ways, loved, lost, laughed, and been witness to incredible beauty and kindness and, in honor of the recent holiday, i want to go over the things I am so extremely thankful for.

1) My relationships; new and old, both the ones that have ended as well as the ones that continue to bring laughter and joy into my life. I have learned so much from all of you over the years and feel incredibly blessed to have encountered so many minds and spirits that have truly startled me. The lessons you have taught me, the memories we've made...they mean the world to me. Thank you for being part of my life, for teaching and inspiring me every day.

2) My family; the last few years have been exceptionally hard on my family. With the loss of so many beautiful and amazing people, the current struggles and health issues of others, and the turmoil we've all faced, both individually as well as as a whole have worn all of us a little thin. I am so grateful that, in spite of this, we are still so close and supportive. Not many people have a family as large and close knit as mine and I do not, for one second, take for granted the immense blessing that that is.

3) My health; it's really easy to take for granted something so basic and essential to yourself as your body and it's health so I want to emphasize how grateful I am for mine. I suffer from insecurities and bad body image just like any other girl, but I've come to terms with my body and learned to love it for what it is rather than what it isn't. I am grateful to have a strong immune system that allows me to spend the majority of my time doing the things I love and not sick in bed. I am grateful for the legs that have walked and pushed myself and my skateboard all over town, the lungs that continue to draw in air and allow me to sing and laugh and speak my mind. I'm grateful for arms that are strong and capable of hugging the people I love, as well as hands that allow me to draw, paint, knit, sew, write, and create. I am grateful for a stomach that allows me to eat pretty much anything I want without adverse effects and without turning me into whale. I am grateful for a mind that allows me to experience incredible beauty and wonder, to dream, hope, conceptualize, reason and imagine.

4) My home; I have managed to find not only an amazing house in a beautiful neighborhood, but an even more amazing roommate. Having a living situation that is warm, welcoming, and supportive is so important to me and I am so so lucky to have all of those things and more. I am grateful to my amazing roommate/best friend for making such an environment a reality and being there for me, supporting, encouraging, laughing, and working with me to ensure that there is always food in the fridge, a light in the window, and a warm, safe place to come home to every night.

5) My indominatable parents, who have given me so many gifts and blessings over the course of my 22 years on this planet and continue to be huge inspirations and influences in my life. Thank you for all your help, concern, love and support. Thank you for your endless understanding and patience as I stumble clumsily through young-adulthood and trying to find my way in this crazy world. Thank you for your advice, your gentle guidance, your kind words and most of all for your love. I am so lucky to have parents that I not only respect and admire, but enjoy spending time with. Whoever said you couldn't be friends with your parents clearly never met mine.

6) All the opportunities I have been granted both this year and in the years to come. On top of working in an awesome environment, going to school for a subject I love, and moving closer every day to the woman I hope to become, I have been blessed with the opportunity to travel and live abroad for a year with an amazing family in Sweden. I am so grateful for where this year has brought me, in spite of all the negative and potentially detrimental things that have occurred. I have grown and learned so much and, while there are certainly things I wish I hadn't done and mistakes I wish I hadn't made, I am thankful to have learned those lessons and have the ability to move forward from them. My life may not be perfect, but it is the only one I have and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to live it on my terms, to make my own mistakes and learn from them, to experience both the good and bad in this world and embrace all the joy, beauty, and possibility that it has to offer. I am so excited for what is to come and know, without doubt, that I am an extraordinarily fortunate person.

To all those who have been involved with my life, for better or worse, whether we parted as friends or enemy's, I am thankful for the lessons you taught me, the memories we have made, the influence and inspiration you have brought into my life. I am a better person for knowing you, a stronger person for loving you, and a quieter soul for forgiving any perceived or actual transgressions. Thank you all for showing me what friendship, loyalty, love, forgiveness, honesty, heartache, beauty, trust, family, and most of all hope mean. Your presence in my life has made an impact, has shaped or changed me in some way. Thank you.

My hope for you all, this holiday season and in the year to come is that you find peace, joy, love, friendship and happiness. As the saying goes:

"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God (whatever you may call her) hold you in the palm of His hand."

An End to Autumn

In a matter of days, it's become winter. The snow's been falling steadily for three days now. Everything is covered in a foot and half of pristine white fluff that doesn't show any sign of abating. I can't remember the last time we had this much snow (or any snow for that matter) before thanksgiving. It makes me feel like a little kid. It's even a snow day! All I need is some hot cocoa with itty bitty marshmallows and I'm twelve years old again, curled up by the fire, watching the snow pile up.

Tomorrow afternoon we leave for Thanksgiving in the Bay with my moms entire family. Thanksgiving in this family isn't just a few blood relatives around a turkey, it's a 60 person banquet with two turkeys, my uncles AMAZING pineapple ham, eight or nine side dishes, five or six pies, and family, friends, pets, and general mayhem all crowded into my uncles massive living room. Subsequently, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. The food, the family, the fantastic energy that surrounds this amazing and diverse group of people who I am lucky enough to call Family. My roommate and best friend is tagging along this year, to experience the "magic", so to speak. She's never had a big family Thanksgiving, and over the years, she's heard so much about this event and the various characters that attend it, that she decided to come along and see for herself just how insane and wonderful my family is.

My favorite part of thanksgiving with my family isn't the food (though thats a big draw, too) but when, after we've all gorged ourselves on turkey and stuffing and mashed potatoes and we're all sitting around the tables smiling contentedly at each other, we go around and each member of the 60+ person assembly tells what he or she is thankful for. My cousins take bets on which aunt will cry first--it's always Aunt Dawn--and even the little kids get in on the action, explaining their gratitude for mommy and daddy and their new party dress. It's really an extraordinary thing to be a part of.

And no matter what, that is always the overwhelming theme of these gratitudes. Family, and the blessing we have all been given by being a part of this one. Over the years I have seen this family I am so fortunate belong to grow and change, I've seen an entire generation grow into adults, get married, start their own family's. I've witnessed the inclusion of unique and wonderful people, who may not share our blood, but certainly share the sense of love and understanding that has united us again and again underneath one roof. And they become family in this way, by sharing this wonderful tradition with us.

I am so lucky, in a world where the word "family" means less and less (my own parents are divorced), I am fortunate enough to belong to one that, in no uncertain terms, loves each other. People fly from all over the country to make thanksgiving with us and it's really amazing to see that. It gives me hope. It makes me feel as though, no matter what, I'm never alone, because I've got these amazing people loving me. Because I know that they'll always be there, supporting me, loving me, wishing me well. There are so many people in the world who don't have that, who have no one to turn to or fall back on when times are hard, and I am just so incredibly thankful to know what it's like to look around a crowded room and see four generations of family, friends new and old, and to know that we all come together every year to express something much larger than words can accurately communicate.

Needless to say, I'm excited.

Also, this video is interesting/inspiring.
Checkit.

INFLUENCERS FULL VERSION from R+I creative on Vimeo.

i feel your thumbs press into my skin again

Radical Face :: Welcome Home

i have a feeling this song will be on heavy rotation for a while. it's the perfect song for autumn. makes me a little wistful. 

For a long time I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I was sure that San Francisco was where I was meant to be, and pursuing that goal has been the defining factor in my life up until this point. But now...now I'm seeing new potentials. Suddenly SF doesn't seem like the most viable option. I mean, it's still on the table. I still want to end up there eventually, but I'm afraid that, in light of all these new possibilities, that it might have to wait.

The Potentials:
1. Move to SF, go to school, work my ass off.
2. Move to Sweden for a year and return the favor of nannying the kids of the woman who once did the same for me.
3. Stay in Tahoe, open my own shoppe and put everything else on the back-burner for now.

1. Moving to SF has been my goal since I was, like, 17. I've wanted to live and go to school in the city for as long as I can remember, and it's been such a huge, defining factor for my life for so long. It's still something I want really badly, but in light of some of these other options, I'm starting to think of it as more of a long-term goal than as something I want in the next year or so. That's hard for me. I feel like I'm giving up on a dream. Like I'm finally admitting defeat. I'm not really, I'm just re-prioritizing according to the options I have right now. It's something that I definatly still want. I just have a difficult time letting go of it for now.

2. This is sort of the wild card option. It's the "drop everything and do something crazy" option. It's immensely appealing; I would get to live and work in the home of a woman I love and respect immensly, taking care of her two little boys. I would get to experience a different country, culture, language, and I would get to travel...which is something I've never really done, but have always wanted to do.

3. Stay in Tahoe and open my own boutique with my mom. This is a recent development. An idea I've been toying around with for a while and just recently got really excited about. I'm in love with the concept and feel like it could potentially be a really amazing business venture. But...it would mean I would have to stay in Tahoe. This idea doesn't bother me as much as it once did, when I was younger I was obsessed with the idea of escaping South Lake and moving to the Big City, but now...I'm content here. The things I disliked about Tahoe (the snow, the small town, etc) are now things that I'm beginning to see in a new light.

So those are the options on the table. I've been staring at them for days, turning them over and over in my head. Weighing the pros and cons. I'm stuck. My indecision paralyzes me.

It Begins

I've been making these plans in my head my whole life. Promises to myself that I never keep. This is for me. This is my life. These are my dreams, my stories, my heart laid bare for the world to see. I may fail, but I plan to do so fantastically, with everything I am invested in it. No more almost's, no more half way. Here. I'm giving myself permission to take control. It may be uncertain. It may be challenging. It will certainly be different. But it's MINE and I intend to make it everything I ever hoped it would be. 

Heres to new beginnings. To turning lead into gold. To diving in feet first and damning the nay sayers. 

Geronimo!

The Alchemist