A New Lease on Life

The reason I call this a "fake it till I make it" blog is because, as with most things in life, I have no idea what I'm doing...

"Well then," You might rightfully be asking, "What are you doing here?"

I suppose the answer to that is rather lengthy, so, if you've enough patience, I'm going to try to put down some sort of mission statement for this blog and for the ways this blog is going to document and influence my life.

I want this blog to document my life. Particularly this period in my life because I feel as though I am on the edge of something great and unknown. It's scary, but it's also really really exciting. I finally feel as though my life is my own and I'm beginning to understand the steps I have to take to make it into the life I've always wanted. I am 21 years old and a bit of a late bloomer. Until recently I always felt so uncertain of myself and what I wanted. I didn't know who I was, what I wanted my life to look like, or even how to begin shaping it. As my mother puts it, I've been "floating," drifting along, waiting for the tide to take me where I belonged.

But "No more," I say! In the last few months my life has changed in a lot of big and small ways. I finally feel as though I am coming into my own, really beginning to understand my self and what I want. I am realizing that the only person responsible or capable of making me happy is me. I have take control and stop drifting. It's time to steer my own boat.

I want this blog to document all of it. This process of discovering myself. I want it to follow me as I grow and change, as I accomplish all my goals and dreams. I want it to encourage me by showing me where I have been and remind me every day where it is I am going. The ultimate scrapbook/journal/confessional/inspiration board hybrid. 

So, in the spirit of all I intend this blog to be, I'm posting a list of goals. Hopefully, publishing this on such a public forum will force me into being accountable to myself (I have a tendency to make grand plans, and then lose focus shortly after). 

1. Move back to San Francisco. 

On May 16th, 2009 I packed all my hopes and dreams up and moved back to South Lake Tahoe, CA for love. Very sweet and poetic and all that, but, unfortunately for both parties, things didn't work out. In all honesty, I probably needed this time to get my act together. Like I said, I'm a late bloomer, and coming home, as well as the end of my "First Love" have really forced me to grow up in so many ways. It showed me both what I wanted and didn't want; for my life as well as in a partner. It made me realize how badly I wanted to get out of this town and how much I really wanted to get back to SF. It made me appreciate that I have to be able to depend on myself before I can expect to depend on anyone else. 

2. Finish school.

I have never been a school person. It's not that I'm not smart, I just lack discipline, have poor time management skills, and am generally ADD as hell. I dropped out of college after one semester, and have since then only taken a smattering of classes at the community college here in SLT, most of which I did not pass/complete. But, the life I want for myself does not involve me working at a restaurant for the rest of my life (no offense to the amazing people who have made careers out of being a server, I've worked with a great deal of you and respect you all immensly, it's just not for me). A college degree is the only way I'm ever going to get the kind of job, house, lifestyle, etc I've always fantasized about. So school and finishing my education needs to become priority number one.

3. Develop my hobbies.

That sounds kind of strange, but, like I said, I'm ADD as hell and lack self discipline/control. I tend to pick something up, waste money, time, and energy on it, and then lose interest in it as soon as it starts to get hard. It's not that I stop wanting to do those things, I'm just lazy and unwilling to put in the time and effort to really excel at them. Not any more! I recently bought a Canon EOS Rebel and photography (in spite of my never actually owning a camera of my own before) has always been something I was fascinated by. I'm mid-way through my first photography class and, while I do get discouraged, I'm sticking with it. I'm not giving up on that, I'm not giving up on this blog, and I'm not giving up on myself.

4. Get and stay organized.

I am so scatter brained it's disgusting. My most commonly used phrase is "Hey, guys, have you seen my phone?" This general lack of self awareness and organization has resulted in god knows how many lost jackets, retainers, cell phones, books, papers, etc. Pretty much anything that isn't strapped to me is at risk of getting left, forgotten, dropped, or stolen due to my own negligence. First of all, I can't afford that sh*t no more. Second of all, it doesn't just effect my personal posessions, but also my job and schooling. If I can't remember my own schedule, how the hell am I supposed to be in class/at work on time? If I can't find some way of getting and staying organized and on top of things, I'm never gonna be able to manage my life. 

5. Be more positive.
I honestly feel as though there is a direct correlation between the amount of nasty, negative thoughts and words you have and the amount of nasty, negative things that happen in your life. It's important to me to put out as much good, positive energy as I can into the world, so that I might be able to get some of it back.


6. Take better care of myself.
I'm not a skinny girl. I'm not fat either, but I could certainly use some toning here and there. Plus, I still eat like I did when I was 15, which is delicious, but really, not that wise. I'm lucky in that my body pretty much stays the same size/weight no matter what I eat, but I'm sure if I simply made better choices in my diet I could probably drop a few of the pounds I've always grumbled about. I refuse to join a gym because I hate how mind-numbingly repetitive they can be, but I am enrolled in Yoga, which I love. I might, if I can afford it, join Crunch when I move back to SF because they have such an amazing variety of classes.


7. Make every decision a decision that is going to lead you in the right direction.
A wise blogger once said "ever choice matters," and thats so very true and simple it's kind of mind blowing. So from here on out all my decisions are important ones, because every choice matters, every choice is going to bring me one step closer to the life I want, the woman I want to be, and the places I want to go.

I'm scared, yes. Change is not easy and for the first time in my life I am accountable only to me. If I fail, give up, or drop out the only person I'm hurting is myself. But I'm also incredibly excited. I have so much to look forward too and so many positive things and opportunities in my future if I just do the things I know I have to do. It's so simple and liberating, I really can't beleive it took me this long to figure it out. Well, I suppose I've always known, I was just too afraid to take responsibility for something as big as my own life before this point. But everyones journey is their own and I may have taken longer than the average bear, but at least I'm here now. Ready, willing and anxious to begin.

So, here it goes! Wish me luck!

With love and hope,
L.